I love the original Conan movies. I love the original books by Robert E. Howard. I love the Conan comics, including Savage Sword of Conan which I used to buy with Fangoria at the News Centers near me when I was like 13.
I do not love the new "Conan" movie.
Where to start? My expectations were pretty freakin' low going in, so I thought hey...maybe there will be something cool.
And then we hear Morgan Freeman's voice starting the familiar "Know, O Prince, that between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis"...and immediately I'm thinking, "Not good."
Morgan's no Mako, and while he may be your traditional-sounding narrator, he doesn't fit in a barbarian movie. THEN--I kid you not--there's like 3 minutes of further narration attempting to setup the whole movie.
Hey filmmakers, free advice: If you need more than 30 seconds of narration to set up your movie, your script sucks. Heck, odds are good that your script sucks if you need narration at all before the movie starts, but there are exceptions. (LOTR, Star Wars trilogy)
This was not an exception.
We cut to a battle and see Ron Perelman fighting the mobs of barbarians while his woman is stabbed. She's pregnant. She wants to see the baby before she dies, and again--not kidding--he cuts her with a knife and pulls out the baby, shows it to her, and she names it Conan.
So...apparently this barbarian is a freakin' surgeon. He cut through exactly what he needed to without hitting the baby, and just popped it out. I mean, I saw my wife cut open for her C-section, and it just seemed a tad more complicated than that...
"Maybe I'm nitpicking," I think to myself as Ron holds the baby to the sky and YELLS in one of those high shots. It struck me as corny.
Then we get some Conan-is-now-a-kid sequences, and I think one of them is probably the sole good part of the movie. (Not that I'm encouraging it--frankly, I don't think we need any time with Conan as a kid)
Anyway, shit happens, Conan's father is killed in a ridiculous moment and Conan vows vengeance. Fade to black. Then Morgan Freeman starts narrating again. I think I actually laughed out loud.
He says stupid shit that you KNOW is unnecessary. "Conan searched for his father's killer but couldn't find him", "Conan became a pirate", blah blah. Then the very next scene Conan is on a boat with a bunch of pirates talking about how he can't find the man who killed his father.
Uh...hey, screenwriting 101 calling. Why the fuck would you waste my time in your 2 hour 9 minute movie with POINTLESS narration? Did you pay a lot for Morgan Freeman and needed to get your money's worth?
Man...
A lot of shit doesn't make sense in this movie and I'm not gonna break it all down. Little nitpicky things that bothered me:
Conan JAMS his sword halfway into the ground at least 3 times in the movie. It's like, if he wants to check out a footprint or something he'll SLAM that thing into the ground, check it out, then pulls his sword back out.
I can tell you that these guys would spend a lot of time keeping their blades sharp, so why would they continually dull their blades shoving them into the ground? (and yeah, he has a scabbard on him...didn't anyone tell him that's what they're for?)
People made of sand form and attack Conan, leaping in the air and landing in the sand, disappearing like it's water to them, then coming back out. Neat visual. So why the fuck would a sword passing through one of them kill them? They're SAND that can reform its shape.
Did you ever see Brotherhood of the Wolf? Love that movie, but there's a weapon in the end that pulled me out of the movie--this weird bone sword that would break down and magically reform. There is a similar sword in this movie that CLEARLY wouldn't work if it were powered by anything other than CGI.
Too many henchman for the bad guy. And they are all big, strong guys. So why the fuck doesn't Conan ever have a badass man-to-man brawl off with any of them? Remember the big guy with the hammer in the original? You KNEW Conan and him were destined to fight, and they did, and it was great and satisfying. Don't expect that in this, 'cause you are not getting it.
There are a ton of other problems. It's too long. Too little nudity. Action scenes are not good for the most part.
I'll give Momoa a little props. He was better than I expected, but some of his lines sounded like he was trying to sound growly. He still didn't really have that presence that Conan should have.
Fuckin' knew I should have gone to see Planet of the Apes.