Friday, February 29, 2008

Blame 24 For Barack

It's funny to see the interviews. All the "knowledgeable" people asking the general public why they like Obama. What in his record shows he'd be a good president?

And the general public never has a good answer.

Well, here it is. It's all about 24. You know, the TV show. If you watched it religiously like many of us then you know who was arguably the most popular character on the show: President Palmer.

He was confident. He had high ideals. He was a good man. And he was black. Watching that show you thought: This is the kind of man I want the president of the US to be.

Now I'm not suggesting that everyone in the world has seen 24. I mean, with the exception of the black part, Martin Sheen's president in West Wing was the same way. A guy who was essentially a good person.

I'm saying that Barack seems to be a good guy. A smart guy with good ethics. And the deal is this: The president needs to be nothing more than that.

He does not need experience. Many good presidents had little experience when they entered office. To be honest, most of the worst presidents in history had a TON of experience when they entered office.

As for his voting record--why should this matter? I can't count the number of presidents who have gotten into office and then reversed their stances on past issues. It's irrelevant.

"He's a blank slate."

That's fine with me. I think he's smart enough to cope with most problems, and honest enough to cope fairly with them(at least, more fair than most of the politicians we deal with day in and day out--I'm looking at you O'Malley).

So yeah--here's hoping Obama's the next president.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

What Do You Say?

A little background. Sometimes my wife will ask me to do something for her and I'll say, "What are you gonna do for me?" and I inevitably make her say something dirty. It's a little game we play sometimes.


I went out and got slurpees tonight--yes, even though it's like 30 degrees out. I brought them back, made my son one and went over to him with it.

"What do you say?" I asked him.

"Slurpee," he replied. "Noooooo," I say, "that's not right. What do you say?"

"I...want slurpee...please," he finally gets out. We're working on getting him to talk in sentences rather than a word or two.

So I give him his slurpee.

I head into the other room where my wife hasn't witnessed this exchange. I've got her slurpee and I hold it out. "What do you say?" I kid her.

And she says, "Slurpee please."

I shake my head--no wonder the kid doesn't talk in full sentences! "Nooooo," I say to her. "That's not what you say."

So she says, "I'll give you a blowjob if you give me a slurpee."

Now understand: I was only trying to get her to say, "I want slurpee please"...but that worked out so much better!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008


For those of you who don't know(and I can't remember if I mentioned it in this blog), an alleged serial killer(confirmed kill of 1, and they're linking him to more now) was caught and they found a copy of my first movie in his truck.

Yeah, my first flick which is basically a how-to-be-a-serial-killer movie.

Yay me.

If you're interested, you can read the article HERE.

There's tons of them, and CNN even had a little video spot showing a clip from my flick.

Well, this month's People has a little three-page article featuring the story of the last family he attacked(where he got caught), and they even mention my flick in there.

The best thing, though, will be if he turns out to be an actual serial killer. See, I stole the name of my flick from a book--it's an encyclopedia of serial killers. They update it every ten years or so.

So if he turns out to be a serial killer, they'll mention my movie in his listing in the very book that helped inspire the film in the first place. Man, talk about the circle of life(or death, as it is).

Monday, February 25, 2008

You People Are Blowing It

So I never really pay attention to blog stats, though I get some email about it every week. I typically delete it without looking.

This week I checked it. My blog's been read over 11,000 times.

I know, it's really not that much in the grand scheme of things. But don't you get it? This is the Blog No One Sees. And it's been read over 11,000 times!

You people are totally not getting the point here. What's the matter with you?

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Beetlejuice is on

It's been years since I saw this movie. I'm flipping through the channels and there it is, and I'm hit with a memory. You know how it is sometimes. A song, a place, a movie. Somehow they'll trigger a memory.

I'm 17 years old and my parents threw a weekend graduation party for me and my friends. I'm still a virgin, but not for much longer. I remember this because among my friends was my prom date Shelly, who I was desperately trying to lay. My friend Brooks was there, and my brother. Also present was Brooks' sometimes-girlfriend Lauren.

We had a nice cookout with my relatives there. We went swimming. Day turned to evening and the relatives left. Just the high schoolers remained.

We decided to go out--time to hunt down some beer. Brooks had a great fake ID--it said he was 28 and that his name was--I kid you not--Hider Kazeem Abhud, but the picture looked EXACTLY like him even though it wasn't him.

So we got some beer. We found a quiet spot and drank, and got pretty drunk.

Now the thing is, my prom date and I were really only just friends. I didn't have a girlfriend at the time, and she didn't have a boyfriend, and both of us were in this big bunch of people that hung together. So I asked her to the prom and she said yes.

But we had never done anything, not even made out a little. I was attracted to her because, let's face it, I was 17 and she had a giant rack.

And in our drunken haze that night we decided to head to Jumpers to see Beetlejuice.

I don't remember a ton of details. We're sitting there laughing and being obnoxious, I'm sure. We'd smuggled some beer in. I had popcorn and Shelly was sitting next to me, and I had this great idea to drop popcorn into her lap so I'd have to reach over there to get it.

Brilliant, right? I know, it's totally tacky and stupid.

But it worked. She thought it was funny, and after the first couple of dropped handfulls I wasn't dropping popcorn anymore if you know what I mean(and I think you do, and if you don't I'm gonna spell it out for you in a minute).

And I totally missed the entire movie. I caught it on cable later on and really liked it. (Stop reading here if you have delicate sensibilities)

The extra funny thing is that the only other movie I ever fingered(or finger-banged as the young-ins say today) a girl was another Tim Burton film--Batman--and I was also drunk and missed(or forgot) the movie.

Ah, good times. But I never nailed Shelly.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Let me ask you a question...

If you could instantly become 10 years younger simply by saying yes, would you do it?

Oh, and also, 10 random people in the world would instantly die. How about now?

Just curious. Come on, be honest. There's no judging here. For the record, I probably would, because I'm incredibly callous like that.

Monday, February 18, 2008

The Wife's Peculiarity

So here's how my kitchen is run: Any dish or cup or utensil that I use, I wash and put away after I've eaten.

On the off chance I cannot do this(because I'm in a rush or the sink is so full of dishes that I cannot wash anything) I will fill the item with water to let it soak so it will be easy to wash whenever my wife gets around to it.

My wife is the kind of person who will not wash dishes until she is absolutely out of dishes to use. She will not soak a dish or a fork, or anything, regardless of how often I remind her how much easier it is to wash dishes that have been soaked, as opposed to ones that have had tomato sauce dry solid to it.

Anyway, it was getting so bad my wife came up with an ingenious idea--we had no clean forks or spoons, so she bought some new ones! Now we have twice as many that she can not wash!

Was that enough? Nooooooo.

We ran out of clean ones of those also! Next thing you know there are bags of plastic forks/knives in the kitchen. How ghetto! Now I feel like I'm always at a picnic when I eat meals at home.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Autism's A What?

My wife brought me some paper we have to fill out for my kid's kindergarten class. See, he's not so autistic he's getting put in the non-functional classes, so they're going to try him in a regular kindergarten class.


But see, he's autistic. So we're given a form to fill out for our child who has "Behavior Issues". Now I understand that Autism Spectrum Disorders technically fall under what they're calling "Behavior Issues".

But autism is a behavior issue the way alcoholism is a disease. Meaning: It's not.

I know the medical community and the PC police like to call alcoholism a disease, but it's bullshit. It's not a disease if you can choose not to have it. And deciding to take a drink of alcohol is a choice. Having Parkinson's or Alzheimer's is not.

And being autistic is a behavior? As if my kid is choosing to not understand what people say, and is choosing echolalia as a form of communication rather than regular speech.

I mean, the first question on the sheet says: My child does not believe rules apply to him. (and I'm supposed to either agree or disagree in various degrees)

My kid doesn't understand the concept of rules. How am I supposed to fill that question out?

So I typed up a one-sheet page informing the school of what I think of their survey, while also answering the questions about the kid that are possible to answer. I took the time to make it coherent and fairly non-acerbic.

And my wife still gives me shit for it. She thinks it's gonna get us in trouble with the school or something.

I told her, next time fill it out yourself.

Monday, February 11, 2008


--Totally digging the Barack swing. I credit my blog for influencing millions.

--Terminator is the worst-written show on television, bar none. My god, I just watched last week's episode, and I couldn't believe how bad it was. If I listed every bad example from the show, this blog would be 5 pages long.

--Why can't they get better looking chicks for Bret Michaels on his Rock of Love show? A couple are decent looking, but for the most part they're total skanks. I know Bret's no spring chicken anymore, but, dammit he's famous, and isn't that all that matters?

--I'm gonna be a guest at the Texas Fear Fest in March. But don't go for me--go for Tom Holland the the 35mm print of Fright Night.

--Spent literally four hours on the phone with my cable company(over two hours of that on hold) because I lost the internet. Turns out my modem was broken. I got a new one, the cable company didn't recognize the modem, so they had to reset everything.

But now my internet runs slower(much--I'm barely averaging 1000kbps now, sometimes only 500). So I gotta call 'em back again.

--The Super Bowl was great--I know I didn't mention that. My team is still the only undefeated team in history. And before you start saying "But they didn't play that many games back then", they also didn't have rules so it was like playing touch football like it is today. (you can't hit in the head, you can't touch the receiver after 5 yards, the quarterback can throw the ball away rather than take a sack, etc)

Monday, February 04, 2008

Reality Fun

I watch a lot of reality TV now. I just enjoy seeing people do bizarre things; it's just slightly funnier knowing that they're famous.

Even started watching Gone Country, which is about taking mainstream singers/people and trying to turn one into a country star. I only found about it because Dee Snyder, former frontman for Twisted Sister and current host of Fangoria's Sirius radio show, mentioned it on Fango the other night.

Anyway, there's all these basket cases. Marcia Brady from the Brady Bunch(I have no idea what her name is), Carnie Wilson(Of Wilson Phillips), the guy that sang the Thong Song, and also Bobby Brown.

This guy is a wreck. He's getting drunk, sleeping all day. I had an amusing thought as I watched him today; he could have a serious reality TV career.

I mean, he was just on that Bobby Brown reality show about him and Whitney. He moves on to Gone Country, where he's obviously an out of control alcoholic. He can then move on to Celebrity Rehab(which I'm also watching), and then he can move on to The Biggest Loser(which I don't watch) because he's clearly gained weight, and if he gets sober will probably gain more.

This guy's career need never end! (Well, I mean his singing career's over, but the other career...)

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Where I Stand

As it stands, I will vote for Barack Obama if he's the Democratic nominee. I will vote against Hillary if she is.

Just so you know where I stand. (And for the record, I'm still registered Republican, though it has no bearing on how I vote)